2012

Well...so far...this year is not a whole lot different than the last. My first words of 2012 were "Thank fucking god that's over", meaning 2011. Then I thought about it and realized that some really awesome things have happened in past years, but as a whole, they progressively get more shitty.

2009 was graduation. Which was awesome. However, this is the year that I went throught the worst heartbreaking break up ever. And it's still a part of my daily functions sometimes. He is also still an ass hole and rude to my husband. Gah. It ended with a new relationship and an embryo.

2010 started with the loss of said embryo. Great way to start it. Not. 2010 I got married. Things were startin to look up. Then we found out there was a baby coming! It ended with me being pissed off at the world and fat. a.k.a pregnant.

2011 started awesome. I felt awesome, I looked pregnant, not just like a whale, and we were having a good life. We bought a house and things were great. Then Will was born. That was a complete awesome and shitty moment all at once. Awesome he was here, shitty he was here 3 months early and I almost died. Not exaggerating. Then Will died. It was all consuming for the remainder of the year. I ended the year with a massive head cold so hopped up on cold medicined I couldn't have a conversation.

So, how did 2012 start? With a broken fridge. I have very little hope for this year getting better. I have very little hope that this year won't bring the worst things yet. I do have hope though, that it will bring some amazing moments and memories along with that bad, just like the previous years.

Only time will tell if the pattern with keep going, or if 2012 will actually be the best year yet.

Oh Baby, My Baby

With the holidays here, I am starting to miss my little boy more and more. This is such a joyful time of year, and I don't get to spend it with the one person I love the most in this world. We've also been slacking on going to the cemetery. I suppose its a sign of healing that I don't have to go sit at his grave and bawl my face off for hours and hours a week to feel close to him, but it makes me feel guilty. It also makes me feel a little guilty that we're trying to make him a big brother. The guilt comes from not knowing if people think I am trying to replace him. I know that this is not the case. Being a mother and raising my children is not a chapter in my life that I am going to be so easy to allow to remain unwritten and unfinished. I don't know if other people think that way. Maybe I should just stop worrying about what other people think.

We have embarked once again on this joyful, terrifying, heartbreaking, triumphant journey of having a baby, and I just know that this is what I am here for. I was meant to be a mother. I am a mother. I just want to bring my children home and love them and raise them here, not in a heated box. I hope with everything that I am that this will happen for us this time. I don't have time to worry about it though. I just need to make that baby, keep me healthy, keep it healthy while it's in my body, and let the doctors and the universe control the rest. It's going to be a long and hard journey, but no matter what, it will be worth it in the end.

Food

I am married to the world's most picky eater. Seriously. We have been married a year and a half and I am just barely getting to the point where I can shove veggies down his throat. I, on the other hand, love to cook and experiment and try new foods. I can't even begin to tell you how sick I am of spaghetti and tater tot casserole and hamburger helper. Unfortunately, I know Justin won't eat the foods I like. Well, it's about time to take a stand, damn it. For the next two weeks, we're going to eat good foods, like tri-colored pasta salad, pork ribs, chicken enchiladas, swiss steak, meat loaf, sausage supper, and fruit salad. I know Justin will not be happy. So, we'll have to throw in some breakfast for dinner, chicken sandwiches, and sloppy joes in there somewhere. Just so that he won't move out of my house.

While we're on the subject, let me just say I am so happy my husband has a great paying job. My grocery list fills an entire sheet of paper...twice. Eating good food is not cheap.

All of this menu planning is really using up my bank of creative food making. I've ran out of ideas. I've looked through multiple cook books and now I'm stuck. I have no idea what else to make in the future.

HHHHHHHHHEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPP MMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEE!!!!

Lyrical Madness-What I'm Listening To Today

"One foot on the narrow way, and one foot on the ledge. Siftin through the devil's lies and what the good book says. If I'm goin anywhere I'll probably go too far"... "Hold me like I mean it, and stay till you believe it, and we'll see if we can fill an empty heart. Well, I won't tell you what the chances are-Chances are by Garrett Hedlund

I'd just like to add that Garrett Hedlund makes my heart skip a beat.

"When the stars line up, and you catch your break, people think you're lucky, but you know it's grace. It can happen so fast, or a little bit late. Timin is everything."-Timin is Everything but Garrett Hedlund

"Walkin a fine line between wrong and right, and I know, there is a part of me that I try to hide. But I can"t win and I can't fight"..."Now I am calling, hoping you'll hear me. We all need somebody to believe in somethin. And I won't fear this, when I am falling. We all need somebody that can mend these broken bones"- Broken Bones by Rev Theory

"In a crooked little town, they were lost and never found. Fallen leaves, fallen leaves, fallen leaves on the ground."-Fallen Leaves by Billy Talent

"I like them big boy toys. Motors and lights, knobs and switches, and a four-wheel-drive. Runnin up the road, or crawling cross the farm. And when they break down, I jack them up in the yard. Pull out my tools, my pride and joy, man you gotta love em-big boy toys."- Big Boy Toys by Aaron Tippin

"No drama. Instead, your words go over my head. Let's stop hurting each other, so we can be alright. You're so perfect in bed, but still you're fucked in the head. Everything you say, I can't take your lies. This is just another Romeo and Juliet"- Another Romeo and Juliet by Pop Evil

Decisions

Ah, well, it is that time of year again. Families love each other a little more, children hope a little more, individuals start to look towards the future a little more. As I look into my future, it's all unclear. I don't honestly know where I will be a year from today. The goal is to be liveing where I am, married to who I am married to, and a little baby at home. I of all people know just how unattainable this goal can be. With the loss of Will in April, I just don't know if we will ever bring a baby home. I am very hopeful that we will, but I'm scared to get my hopes up. We have made the decision to and delved into the adventure of creating another baby. Our rainbow baby. I'm not too scared though. I have faith that doctors will catch and treat any Pre- Ecclampsia that may or may not hit me, thus letting my baby stay in my womb and develop more that WIll was able to. I am also faithful that this next child will not get NEC like Will did. I can't live my life worrying about it. I have to jump in feet first, or face first even, and hope for the best.