Oh Baby, My Baby

With the holidays here, I am starting to miss my little boy more and more. This is such a joyful time of year, and I don't get to spend it with the one person I love the most in this world. We've also been slacking on going to the cemetery. I suppose its a sign of healing that I don't have to go sit at his grave and bawl my face off for hours and hours a week to feel close to him, but it makes me feel guilty. It also makes me feel a little guilty that we're trying to make him a big brother. The guilt comes from not knowing if people think I am trying to replace him. I know that this is not the case. Being a mother and raising my children is not a chapter in my life that I am going to be so easy to allow to remain unwritten and unfinished. I don't know if other people think that way. Maybe I should just stop worrying about what other people think.

We have embarked once again on this joyful, terrifying, heartbreaking, triumphant journey of having a baby, and I just know that this is what I am here for. I was meant to be a mother. I am a mother. I just want to bring my children home and love them and raise them here, not in a heated box. I hope with everything that I am that this will happen for us this time. I don't have time to worry about it though. I just need to make that baby, keep me healthy, keep it healthy while it's in my body, and let the doctors and the universe control the rest. It's going to be a long and hard journey, but no matter what, it will be worth it in the end.